Continuum

I have stopped feeding during the day this week. My baby is 10-months old now, crawling and eating three meals a day. He was having a quick milk feed mid-morning and mid-afternoon just to get him off to sleep really. I have tried replacing this with a little formula milk but he is not at all keen on this so I just try to keep him topped-up with fluids during the day with well-diluted juice - which he will drink when thirsty. He is constipated though and has been for weeks despite the fluids and frest fruit so I went to the pharmacy and got him some lactulose yesterday - which is still yet to have an effect as I have only been giving him very small amounts. So he now has a milk feed at bedtime and in the morning. Tot still has his bedtime feed (need to get out of this habit - he is 3 soon - have no idea how though without upsetting him) but he has cut out his morning one and the ocassional afternoon one now. For a few months now I have been thinking about number three. A few weeks ago I started feeling really broody with friends and family announcing that they are expecting and decided to try and cut down the feeding to re-start ovulation. Then I though back to Liedloff's Continuum Concept that I read recently and how in modern society we are in such a hurry with getting our baby to move on to the next stage of development: weaning onto solids as soon as possible; urging them to crawl and proudly commenting how it won't be long before they are walking. It made me realise just how much my baby has grown and changed in just 10 months, and it made me realise how I should try and live in the moment more and enjoy this time instead of urging him to become more independent. So I sat back and thought about it and decided that I should try and let him take the lead more and let him decide when it is time. He has adapted well to no milk during the day as he only really used it as a comfort to get to sleep. I still find this really hard though as I have always just gone with demand feeding all the time with both my boys (hence the reason why my nearly 3-year old is still being breatfed at bedtimes!), so this part of it feels a little like I am going against the continuum. However, with everything else I have let him take the lead: he has decided to be spoon-fed after being baby-led for the first few months. He is therefore eating a really good amount now. He has decided to crawl and is trying the cruising out and he is happy to go down in his cot through the night now after 9 months of sleeping with mummy and dadddy. Now that he has made these changes reecently it does make me feel like he is almost not a baby anymore and entering into the realms of toddlerhood. This has again made me think about number three so I have decided that I will try and cut the milk down, but not so much that it is denying my boys of what they still need. This feels like a bit of a challenge sometimes but I just keep reminding myself of the continuum concept and trying not to compare myself to others or get irrational just because I am turning 30 this year and feel like time is running out! I really want to "talk in present tenses" to quote a Joni Mitchell song but I find this so difficult as I am a worrier and a bit of a control-freak!

My two naughty little crabs

My pirate tot

Busy day...

...as my tot says to me every night as I take him to bed...

Today has been totally manic - and it hasn't helped with hubby going to Dublin for the day. This meant that he left early in the morning and will return very late this evening - which means I have had no help with the boys' bedtime routines. I am pleased to say though that I got them both fed, bathed and in bed just before 7pm! This was only because tot did not have his nap though and actually fell asleep in front of his beloved Cars DVD!



Anyway, despite being absolutely nackerd we did have a good day. We went swimming this morning and then had lunch at the cafe there (even though it is only a short walk home, it is less hassle for me rather than going home and preparing sandwiches etc. when the breakfast bowls and cups are still sitting on the table!). By the time we got home baby was asleep and so tot helped me tidy up the lounge ready for the mum and tots coffee morning tomorrow. Then we went out for a walk to the local shop - on the pretense of getting tot off to sleep. Tot ate two Fudge bars and baby ate one and they were both still wide awake by the time we got home. So we got home and pottered about and the boys played in the garden for a while before dinner time. Then it was bath time and then I had to put tot in front of his favourite DVD while I took baby to bed. This involves lying down to feed him for at least half an hour before transferring him to his cot (which sometimes causes crying and so the Radiohead CD goes on!). Then it was downstairs to get tot to take him to bed. He was already asleep on the sofa so I just carried him up to bed. Finally I sat down with my dinner ready for the soaps! Then baby wakes up, so I have to go and give him a bit more milk to try and get him off again. Downstairs again for about 10 minutes before toddler wakes up and realises he hasn't had his bedtime milk (did I mention how I am trying to cut down milk feeds - don't know how I'm going to do that :( ) so I have to lie down with him for a little while until he drifts off. Now FINALLY I have the rest of the evening to myself - hopefully! It is such hard work being a mum, but I can't imagine my life without them.

A trip down memory lane on a rainy day

Woke up at 7.30am this morning to baby grumbling in his cot. He went down around 7pm so he did really well. I go into the nursery, pick him up and take him back to bed with me for a milk feed. Tot is already downstairs playing with trains (the only thing he is into at the moment) with daddy before he has to sneak out the door to work. Normally as soon as hubby is out the door and tot realises he is alone he will start calling for us and come up the stairs and jump into bed with us. Then we all get up and wash and dress and go and get cereal and a hot drink for me (strong coffee this morning - still tired due to a late night gym and swim session!).

Today the weather is very bad for mid July. We had a heat wave back in May/June time but ever since then it has got worse and is just grey and rainy today - although still fairly humid. This is a bit annoying as hubby has gone to London on business and has taken the car - so we are stuck to walking-distance places today. However, we have waterproofs and wellies so we will not let a little rain stop us. We are lucky really where we live as it is a small enough town to make it feel like a village, yet we have lots of amenities. We can go swimming at the leisure centre just up the road, the library, a walk around the reservoir, shops along the high street and the park (if we don't mind soggy swings!). It is really constant at the moment as baby has just started crawling the last few days and so he needs to be kept an eye on even more, and tot has become some chatty and curious lately. As we sit here on the sofa, he watches the TV and every second he is saying, "what's that?", "what's that dog doing?", "what she doing?" and he goes on and on until I give him an answer!

We are watching children's classics on Nick Jr at the moment that I have been Sky + ing as they put them on after tots bedtime. My particular favourite is Rainbow and I love it that tot seems to like it too. It is probably the only children's programme that I will sit and watch as it takes me back to my childhood. I like the idea that even though I don't remember the particular episodes I may actually have watched it as a child and now I am sitting watching the same thing with my children. The great thing is that if Rod, Jane and Freddy get a bit too much then I can just fast forward them! It's funny as although my memory of Rainbow is a little hazy, I distinctly remember finding their song-slot boring and wishing I could fast forward it! The real-life clips where they go out somewhere are great though. It really shows the date of the programme and it is so nostalgic it almost brings a tear to my eye as it inevitably reminds me of my childhood and my mum.

Silence is golden...but there's no rest for the wicked...!

Finally. Peace at last! The house is silent. This week has been quite tiring as I have started going to the gym in the evenings, which means I am still tired when I get my morning wake-up call from tot at around 7am! But last night was even worse. He had a late afternoon nap which meant he wouldn't go to bed. After a lot of messing around and me having to lie with him and give him milk (which I am getting increasingly fed-up with now that he is nearly 3!) I pulled him off and said I had no more milk left and that it was time to go to sleep. As this did not happen I ended up bringing him downstairs as he said he was hungry (I think he just says this though to try and get milk off me). So we went down and I made him toast and marmite and a cup of milk in front of the food channel (hubby tried to find a boring channel so he would fall asleep - which didn't work as he loved the Rick Stein programme as it featured boats and dogs and making a cake!) By 11pm hubby had gone to bed and left me to contend with him. I tidied the kitchen so that it was one less thing to face in the morning while tot was galloping around on his hobby horse one minute then crawling around the kitchen floor with his JCB digger the next. Then the football came out and he kicked it under my legs just as I was walking to the door with a glass of water to take up for bed. I tripped over and the water went everywhere and I swore at him and dragged him up to his bed as I had just about had enough at this point. I always feel so guilty if I swear in front of them - but this is only when I have reached the end of my tether. I gave him his cup of milk and finally after a bit more crying and waking the baby who cried for a while, eventually all were asleep. What I could not believe was how come this morning 7am tot is wide awake a ready to start another day, and now at 3am he has only just gone down for a nap! So at the moment both are asleep after a walk to the shop in the buggy. Meanwhile I'm having a quick sit down with a drink and some chocolate to check e-mails, facebook, do this and then I have to get up and vacuum and wash the floors as I can't do this when they are awake, sometimes I think I must be mad for wanting more!

BBQ time

We had a great action-packed weekend. Even though I love my house I cannot stay in all day and I much prefer to get out and do things. On saturday we went to Wimpole Hall - I just love going to National Trust places (in case you hadn't already guessed!). We all had a lovely time, tot got to play on the play tractors and we also discovered a hidden adventure playground that we didn't see before, and hubby was happy as there was beer tasting!

Yesterday we went to Wicksteed park and then in the evening we had a BBQ in our back garden. We cooked some salmon and tot looked at the fish lying on a plate and said, "Fish gone to clouds". I knew what he was talking about as just the other day I was telling him about Nana dying and going to heaven up in the clouds. So I just agreed and then he said, "Where's Nana?" and it almost made me cry. We explained how she was in heaven in the clouds and that it was like a long holiday where you never come back.

A turning point...

Today I feel more positive about life than I have done in a long time. I think that this is due to a combination of factors:

1). My 9-month old has decided that he wants to sleep through the night on his own in his own cot (previously we had co-sleeped). Therefore I think I am getting more sleep than i have done in a long time!

2). I went swimming on my own last night (without the kids on tow for once, therefore a serious swim was possible!) for the first time in 3 years. Something so simple I know, but whether it be the endorphin rush as a result of the exercise or the feeling of freedom, it has put me on a high!

3). I called my boss (well, ex-boss I should say now) to tell him that I would not be returning to work after my maternity leave after all. I was really nervous about doing this and it had been playing on my mind for some time. I was not due back until next month but I wanted to let him know as soon as possible (and not before he had sent me my last maternity pay check, which was the end of May!!) so I knew it was about time I let him know, to give him a bit more time to replace me. I thought he may have been a bit annoyed with me as he had paid out all that maternity pay to me (he can claim it all back of the government mind you, apart from the first six weeks I believe) but he was fine about it. I explained how the main reason was because of my mother-in-law being quite ill recently and not being up to looking after the two boys all day and how there was no-one else I could get to look after them and that a nursery would be too expensive when I would only be working part-time. He seemed very understanding about it, and made me realise that I need not have worried so much about his reaction. That is me all over, that phrase, "don't worry, it may not happen" is a phrase that I need to say to myself every-day because I am such worrier about what may happen and I always envisage the worst-case-scenario. My boss is in remission with lymphoma and that is, I guess, one of the reasons why I have been feeling so guilty about not returning to work and letting him down. It is difficult to tell from a 5-minute telephone conversation with someone, but I got the impression that he is a bit down emotionally. He still has a persistent cough and the prospect basically doesn't seem good for him. It is just awful cancer. I know so many people who have had it and it devastates lives - the people that have it as well as the loved ones left behind, I just wish there was an easy cure. I really hope that he will stay in remission for a long time, but I think we are all a bit sceptical that this will not be the case.

It sounds awful, but it really put things into perspective for me and made me feel a lot brighter about my life. It made me realise that I should make the most of all the good things that I do have instead of always thinking about what I don't have i.e. my mum. I lost my mum a year and a half ago now and it is still quite raw in my mind, but slowly over the last few weeks I feel it healing a little more. I do not have my mum in my life and she was one of my bricks and one of my bestest friends and I miss her more than I can explain. But I have to accept that she is gone. She is gone but I have my husband and my two sons, and my brother and my dad. They are the most important people to me and I think that is another reason why I am broody. I desperately want a daughter. I want to have a little girl so that I can hopefully have a relationship with her as special as what I had with my mum and at the moment I really miss having another close signicant other that is female. I have my aunty, my mum's sister, who is only nine years older than me. I was really close to her until she got together with this guy just after my mum went. It's a long story but we don't get on with him and it seems to have driven a wedge between us. She lost her mum (my Nanny) and her dad (my Grandad) in-between us losing mum so it has been a very difficult few years for us all. We should be there for one another as we are both going through the same thing, but we have drifted apart because of her new man, and I miss her a lot.

Re-claiming

This evening I did something I have not done since before I had my first-born nearly 3 years ago - I went swimming on my own! No big deal I know and I have done this at a weekend but never managed to get out in the evening before now. Normally I do not feel like it, I'm too tired and just want to slob in front of the TV with tea and chocolate! Up until the last few weeks my 9-month old had been sleeping in our bed and feeding constantly in the evenings so for me to get away would have been difficult. However, in the last 2 weeks he has begun to suddenly start eating properly and this must be satisfying him as he is going down in his cot and staying there all night! This sudden change has totally surprised hubby and me - and largely for the better. We get to re-claim all our bed space back and have more "us" time (but I find myself lying in bed not being able to sleep as I miss not having the the little one to cuddle!), and we also get our evenings free, hence my idea to start doing something fo me. I'm going to enrol at the gym and do that and swimming a few evenings a week. I do, after 3 years, finally feel like I need to do something for me that doesn't involve babies or children. I used to love going to the gym and swimming in particular and I think it is important to carry on doing things that you enjoy. I think it is as much about retaining your identity as a person in your own right - not just as a mother and wife, and that this is very important to your mental well-being as well as physical. I mean really I get enough exercise running around after my two toe-rags and I make a point of going out for a walk with them every day come rain or shine, so the gym is not just for fitness and health it's more about me doing something for me for once!

wordless wednesday again (where we went at the weekend)

My view on nappies...

I just wanted to tell you about the nappies that I use for my babes. When I had my first I bought the Bambino Mio re-usables with the intention of being all environmentally-friendly. Well, I didn't get on with them. My first-born although only 6lb 4oz when he was born (yet this was due to being induced 4 weeks early, bless him, because of pre-eclampsia) soon put on the weight and was a big baby. I think this may have been why the nappies did not quite fit properly and they were always leaking. I therefore gave up with them and then discovered Nature Babycare disposables. Now my first-born is nearly three and only wears a nappy at night. When my second-born came along I thought I would try the Bambino Mios again, and I have to say that I have had no problems with them this time around. My second-born is a fair bit smaller and they seem to fit him much better. However, I still use disposables at night time and I make a point of only using the Nature ones now due to the environmental factor as well as the belief they are better for my babes due to the natural materials and lack of chlorine used to produce them. I also like using re-usables as much as possible as my mum used "terry towels" when I was a baby and I like the idea of following on with this and doing the same for my babes.

In order for Nature Babycare to sell these nappies at a reasonable price to compete with the market leaders they do not spend millions on marketing and that is why I wanted to just give them a mention in my blog! I think they are becoming more well-known by word-of-mouth from other mums and just by conscious mums seeking alternatives. They are available in Waitrose (who also stock all their other products) and Sainsbury's and Tesco's have just started selling the nappies and wipes. I think all nappies should be natural like this. They do cost a couple of pounds more than the market leaders and a bit more again compared to the supermarket-own brands, but quite frankly, I think for piece of mind for your baby's well-being and the environment it is extra money well-spent.

Check out these links for further info:
http://www.naty.com/

http://www.bambinomio.com/

Playgroup

On a Monday afternoon I take my two boys to a local playgroup. We started going there when the babe was six weeks old and tot was just over two. It was mainly for tot's sake that we started going as he was getting to the age where he wanted to go out and do more things. He absolutely loves it, and this is what is making me doubt whether I should home-school him or not. He is a very sociable little thing and it is this that I worry he would miss out on if he were not to attend school. Anyway, back to playgroup...I love it too as I get to sit and have a coffee and chat to the other mums and spend some quality time with my second born who normally sits on my lap for the duration while the tot runs around the room with all the other tots! It is great for all of us and as monday morning frequently starts out a bit negatively - I always seem to be tired on a monday morning, probably from our busy weekend outings. But by the time we get back from playgroup I have a shattered but happy tot who goes down for a nap and I just feel more positive about everything again.

wordless wednesday